Myself Is lost
by Lit Tenshi
Summary: *I closed my eyes and raised the weapon.* Non-yaoi and my first attempt at angst
1. The beging of the end

Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing.

~~**~~

Everything. That's what was wrong, everything. I had lost everything. And to him. Yes I'll admit it, I'm jealous. He's always led the pampered life of a prince, and I'm sure he deserves everything he's had all his pampered life, but why did he have to take everything I had too? Quatre, why Catherine?

I'm sitting here alone in my room, in your mansion. I really don't care that you're celebrating your wedding right now. I was there for the ceremony and a dance with my sister, all the while pretending to be happy for you, but I really, really don't want to be there to see you two so damn happy. I don't want to see my sister happier than I've seen her in a long time. I don't want to see you happy either. Hell, I don't want to see you happy being together. I don't want to feel guilty for hating you, Quatre, because you took my sister away. 

I've never been an 'emotional' person. I don't think I've ever been jealous in my life up until this point in time. Sure, I've been in this very mansion and wished I could have one of the expensive chairs or the awesome cars, but I've never actually been jealous. All I've ever felt was the simple, 'I would like to have one of those,' type feelings. Never the, 'I hate you because you have what I don't' feelings. Now I do. You took the one great thing in my life away from me. 

She was my sister, Quatre, mine. You have twenty-nine of them, but you still had to take my only one. You could have had any other woman in the universe and you still had to take the one that loved me. Catherine understood me, helped me, accepted me, and what do you do? You take her away from me and leave me with no one. You were my best friend Quatre, and now I don't even have you anymore.

I stand up from the expensive chair in my room and start to pace. I don't have anything. The circus, there's nothing left there. I don't even have an act without her. And I don't have even half an idea of where to start looking for work. 

Friends, I don't have those either. Most of the other performers at the circus are more like acquaintances, who avoided the silent freak that is me. The other pilots don't have time for their rejected friend. Duo is now running a successful salvage yard and mechanics shop with his new fiancé Hildie. Wufei and his partner Sally are practically engaged already. Heero and Relena, to think that they were anything short of head over heels in love with each other is completely foolish. None of them really know what it feels like to have your everything taken from you.

 In a frustrated rage I punch the wall. I don't care that she was my sister. I don't care that people think I'm insane for loving my sister the way I do. She was my sister, and now she's Quatre's wife. "Catherine Winner."

I've never felt as empty as when I said her new name. I remember when they started dating. She was so happy and I didn't mind because she still was hanging around. But then she started seeing Quatre more and more, and when they couldn't see each other they talked on the phone. It seemed that I no longer had a place in her heart. When they announced their engagement and that she was leaving the circus and moving in with Quatre I was crushed to say the least. I had actually cried that night. And nobody had been there to care.

I did my best to pretend to be happy for them, but it was hard. I lost my best friend and my only sister and partner in one shot. How could anyone be happy when they lose everyone important to them? 

The room is empty and quiet. Everyone is outside for the party but I've closed the windows to shut out the merriment outside. I don't want to hear about how my losses are causing so much joy for others. But I peek just to see and there they are dancing. I can even see them smiling. 

There is nothing left for me here, I realize. No one wants an emotional shut out who can't even be happy for their sister when she falls in love with the most wonderful guy in the world, or a guy who can't make friends or a guy who doesn't want to talk. Who knows, maybe it'd be better if I just ended it for myself. I'm sure I'd ease the burden from the happy couple's shoulders. They don't need me making them feel bad for making me depressed. 

A glass case on the wall holds a saber and two daggers on either side of it.  I'm unstoppably drawn to it. I effortlessly open the case and pull one of the daggers out. When I picked it up I couldn't help but look at my reflection on the sharp blade. I looked exactly how I felt. A broken man. When I turned my head and glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I looked exactly the same. My rage was renewed as I dropped the dagger on the floor and I strode ever to the offending looking glass. Soon my fist was in the middle of its newly made shards. I didn't care whatsoever that my hand was torn to shreds and bloodied. My mind was elsewhere.

 Could I really do it? I've tried to do this before. But Catherine was there to stop me.

Funny, she wouldn't be here to stop me this time. That's okay. I only hope they'll forgive me for ruining their wedding day. Luckily my body won't be found until after they leave. Perhaps, I'll leave a note. Yes, I'll do that.

I sit down at the mahogany desk that Quatre so graciously provided in almost all of his thirty quest rooms. There is of course fine stationery in the desk but I keep searching for more plain paper. Such beautiful paper shouldn't be ruined with a suicide not. Finally I find an old spiral and pull out a regular pen from the holder on the desk.

_            To anyone who finds this note._

_                        I'm sorry to trouble you even after my death but I request who ever finds this not to tell Catherine and Quatre about this till they return from their honeymoon. And I also request that you tell them that I got stabbed protecting a little girl who was about to be jumped on the street instead of me killing myself on their wedding night. I know it is a farfetched lie but, I don't want to hurt them. I realize that whoever you are, that you probably don't care about me and that's fine with me, but please, care enough for Catherine and Quatre to tell them that I loved them both. And please tell them that lie._

_            Sincerely _

_            Trowa Barton_

I signed it and laid it on the desk. I was tempted to get it over with now but first I wanted to read it and make sure I had included everything I had wanted to. I read it out loud just to make sure it sounded alright, and it did. I stood up and went to retrieve the dagger from where I had left it. It was beautiful like everything else in Quatre's life. The hilt was made of carved jade and the blade was mirror bright. I wished that there could have been something less perfect for me to end my life with. I didn't want to ruin this with my blood. Maybe one of the glass shards would do. No, none of them would have been big enough. 

I glanced out the window once more. It was almost dark, and soon they would be leaving for their trip. I closed my eyes and raised the weapon.


	2. Not so bad

Before I could plunge the dagger into my heart I felt a strong resistance. I opened my eyes to see her standing before me. Her hands clutched the blade of the dagger and were now most probably cut. She didn't seem to care about her hands; the pain etched into her face was something different. "Trowa," I could almost feel the desperation in her voice.

She managed to yank the dagger from my grasp and throw it aside. She turned away from me for a moment. "Why?" was all she said. Her voice was cracked, yet frosty.

I could not bring myself to answer her though. For some reason I couldn't seem to tell her why. I looked away, embarrassed because she caught me, and angered because it was obvious she didn't care. Not about me at least. Like I said before, no one cared. 

She turned to me and asked again, this time her voice held some frustration, "Why?"

I still could not face her. "No one cares," I whispered quietly.

I could feel the heat of her gaze on me. I felt helpless, I felt hopeless, I felt childish under her careful scrutiny. She reached for my injured hand. After a moment of thought she dropped it and went to the bathroom. "How sad," she replied, returning with a first aid kit. "A man who doesn't believe he's loved." She took my torn hand and began to clean it. I hadn't even noticed when she had finished wrapping it. 

That simple phrase invoked something in me. What did she mean by that? Why did it hurt so much? My eyes met hers and I saw something in them. I saw a flame and tears that turned the flame into the smoky blue haze of her eyes. I had to look away. "Maybe I am sad. So what?"

"Are you that selfish?" she asked disbelievingly. "Are you that blind?"

"What am I not seeing? I no longer have a best friend or a sister. I don't have…"

"Oh stop feeling sorry for yourself. All this time you think no one cares, that it won't bother people you if you die. You claim that your sister and you best friend have abandoned you. But you're hurting them! You can't hide your pain from those who love you. Your sister, Quatre, they hate seeing you like this, but they don't know how to help."

I suddenly felt numb as I looked at her. I didn't feel the pain in my now bandaged hand, and I wondered absently if she hurt at all, I could even see the blood dripping from her hands onto the carpet. I was drawn to her and gently took one of her injured hands into my own un-injured one. "You caught a dagger for me. Why would you do that?"

I gently traced the cut. I doubted that she had done that because she actually cared for me. It was probably something to do with how she owed Quatre, or maybe how she was just returning the favor. 

I was surprised when she brushed my cheek with the back of her other hand. I hadn't noticed the few tears that had slipped silently down my cheeks. "Because I hate to see you in such pain. Because I know how you feel, and I want to show you what there is to live for."

Her voice, her voice was so beautiful, soft and gentle, but firm and unwavering. I was so tired. I hadn't eaten or slept and her voice just pulled me to her. I felt my knees give out and I fell into her open arms. And I cried again. Dorothy just wrapped her arms tightly around me and knelt to the ground. "It's okay," was all she said, and for some reason I couldn't help but believe her. 

"Even though your sister is married, even though she won't be physically always near, her heart will always be close. And she's also just a phone call away. They're not disappearing, Trowa, just getting married."

My tears stopped. I felt so weak, I felt like a little child, selfish and weak and ignorant. But I wasn't, and I didn't deserve comfort. I sat back so I wouldn't waste her compassion. I didn't deserve it. 

"I'm not finished with you yet, Trowa Barton."  She crossed her arms in front of her. "I'm not going to let you get off that easily. You owe something to your sister and Quatre. They deserve an apology. You also need to learn that not everything is about you."

That caught my attention and my gaze snapped to her eyes. 

"Life's not always about you, or what happens to you. When you don't have anything to live for you end up throwing you life away. Everybody needs a cause." Her knees buckled for a moment. She was probably weak from the blood still draining from her ruined hands. I reached for the kit and repeated the process she did to my hand on both of hers. She stood quietly while I wrapped her hands, when I finished she gave a small sigh.

Dorothy then looked at her hands for a minute as if inspecting them for something I could not see. "Do you understand?" she asked sounding somewhat far away. "Do you understand now that life is not about you but what you can do for others?

"Many people have special some ones they are able to love, and live for, but not everyone. People like you, hell people like me; we have to divide our love among many people."

I nodded. Was everything really so simple? Suddenly I needed to know. I needed to find this happiness, this peace, that Dorothy had been able to find herself. "Teach me," I asked. "I've seen you change, now teach me how to do it. I need to know."

She stood and looked out the window a moment. "I can't just tell you what you have to do be happy. Each person must find happiness for themselves, in their own way, and they have to have people to share it with.

"I've found happiness in my work. I'm able to make sure that people get what they deserve when the government tries to cheat them. I've found happiness, and have done my best share it many people. But they all have lives of their own. I wanted to ask you this later, because I knew you were sad. I was going to ask you if you wanted to come live with me. I have a beautiful life, Trowa, but no one to share it with. And I noticed that you seem to feel the same way. Misery loves company right?" Dorothy ended with an unsure laugh. 

All I could do was stare out the window like an idiot child. She was offering me a part in her life? She was lonely…too. What if just maybe she could teach me something?

Dorothy shook her head and stared out the window as well. "I figured you wouldn't want to. I mean it was most probable that you wouldn't to come with me anyway, much less now." She turned to leave.

"Dorothy," I said quietly. "I don't want to stay by myself any longer. I accept."

She faced me, and her eyes were somewhat glossy. "I'm…glad, I…" she shook her head and smiled at me. 

We looked at each other for a while. I had no idea what she was thinking or why should care about me. I didn't know why she would be so generous or so open. I didn't care either. I had someone now. Someone to be with, at least for a little while, and, for the first time in a while I felt happy. 

Dorothy walked over to me and laid a hand on my arm. "C'mon let's go say goodbye to everyone."

~~**~~

Okay everybody, what'd you think? I hope you liked it, and I'm sorry about leaving the cliffhanger. And just for your information, there will be a sequel. (By the way, all you Finally fans out there, the more reviews the more inspiration, the more Finally! So go out there and write those reviews!!)


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